“I believe it’s pronounced ‘Nintendo.’“
Aired Thursday night: Earlier tonight, the Democratic presidential candidates took part in a debate sponsored by the senior citizen group AARP. Yeah. Yeah. It was just like the other debates, except...
View Article‘Briefly Married to Himself’
Aired Wednesday night on CBS: Ladies and gentlemen, here’s something very exciting about New York City: The mayor of New York City – what’s the guy? — Mayor Bloomberger is planting one million trees in...
View Article‘Huge Bite Out of a Panda Bear Sandwich’
Aired Wednesday night on NBC: Vice President Cheney’s wife said that Vice President Cheney and Barack Obama are actually distant cousins. … Yeah, when Dick Cheney found out, he said, “I knew there was...
View Article‘Join the Club’
Aired Thursday night on CBS: Here’s something odd that we heard about just a couple of days ago. Turns out that Barack Obama and Vice President Dick Cheney are cousins. Did you hear this? Honest to...
View Article‘Toga! Toga!’
Aired Thursday night on NBC: We have 500 people here tonight. We have straight people. We have gay people. We have white people. We have black people. It’s like a Dick Cheney family reunion. I guess...
View Article‘Tell Your Son To Take Off That Hat’
Aired Thursday night on NBC: During a speech at the Capitol yesterday, the Dalai Lama admitted that his English language skills equal those of a kindergartener’s. When he heard this, President Bush...
View Article‘Hunting Buddy Tied to His Fender’
Aired Monday night on CBS: Now here’s the deal: For a long time, we were all complaining about global warming … and today it’s freezing. Here’s how cold it was today: O.J. Simpson was stealing mittens....
View Article‘San Quentin, I Believe’
Aired Monday night on NBC: Welcome to Los Angeles. We have gone past global warming. We’re on global burning right now. Now when Paris Hilton says, “That’s hot,” it’s because she’s actually on fire. In...
View Article‘Whatever You Say, Fat Boy’
Aired Tuesday night on NBC: In a recent interview, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said “cannibis is not a drug.” Of course, when Arnold said it, it sounded like “Cannibals need a hug.” Presidential...
View Article‘I Sing Gooder Than Him’
Aired Wednesday night on NBC: Well, Dick Cheney had an awkward moment tonight at the White House Halloween party. He went dressed as Darth Vader. And at the party, he ran into the real Darth Vader, who...
View Article‘There Is No Chance They Will Nod Off’
Aired Friday night on NBC: Military experts say that companies are now very close to developing technology that can make tanks invisible. Invisible tanks? Don’t we have enough defense contractors...
View Article‘Coal for Tots’
Aired Friday night on NBC: This week California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to be speaking at a convention of gay Republicans. Arnold could get in trouble because he plans to start his...
View Article‘Inappropriate Comedy Material’
Aired Monday night on NBC: Barack Obama says he worries about everybody in America who might lose their job, unless they work for the New Yorker. The New Yorker magazine coming under fire for this...
View Article‘Beautiful Summer Day, Playing T-Ball’
Aired Thursday night on CBS: Yesterday down in the White House lawn President Bush and all the boys got together and had a T-ball game. And the T-ball, they had really great time. Everything was going...
View Article‘How Do You Think This Makes Hillary Clinton Feel, Huh?’
Aired Monday night on NBC: Did you all enjoy the Olympic Games? I thought it was great. It was very exciting. Though there was one very emotional moment at the opening ceremonies, where they had...
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